Why are single men over 50 so hard to find?

Why is it so hard to find a mid-life man who is adorable, compatible, caring… and single? Where do they go? Are they pre-programmed to vaporise on their fiftieth birthday, or the day after they split up from a long term relationship?

I’ve been half-heartedly looking around following the second divorce and it’s like trying to find a paper recycling bin without a half eaten KFC in it. Well, says my inner voice, it must be you then: too fussy, too narrow-minded, too un-botoxed.

I decide to carry out some rigorous scientific research. And when I say rigorous, I mean I devote literally three whole evenings and copious bottles of Prosecco gathering data with my mid-life, sassy, single female friends. This objective survey yields the following results: yes, it’s a thing.

So, what is going on? Where are all those lovely men? I start to gather more data to supplement my own unrivalled knowledge:

• The ex-wife confirmed what they had always suspected - women are too complicated, best steer clear. And anyway, dating takes time and effort - far less hassle to hunker down in the man-cave home office and watch football where the rules of the game are far simpler. Or get together with the lads for a meaningful conversation about which cars look better from the back, or the minimum altitude for an aircraft ejector seat.

• They kid themselves they are looking for a woman but don’t realise that they’re already in love - with their Aston Martin DB5, bloodhound, best mate. Or themselves

• Actually, I discover, suitable mid-life men do walk among us. But not for long. When a relationship ends they quickly realise that they need someone to book appointments with the dental hygienist and buy birthday presents for their mother. So they act fast. While women go round and round in the love carousel, reflecting, processing and self-flagellating, men jump off at the earliest opportunity and get themselves taken home by the first women who isn’t paying attention

• Then there’s a whole swathe of heterosexual men who will only look at significantly younger women.  Even the dodgy old codgers seek out the young and beautiful. I’m puzzled. Until I stumble on this little known fact: a computer chip is routinely inserted into males at birth containing the following algorithm:

Entitlement to female partner = [my age minus 20 years] x [my looks plus 50%]

Of course there are a few who hit middle age and believe that having a baby will provide evidence of their youth and virility so an older partner is pointless. And menopausal me will never make the cut, even with the advantage of having child bearing hips.

Aha, you say, what about men who really really prefer older women? Well, it’s true that I do sometimes get approaches from young striplings looking for ‘fun and frolics with open-minded mature ladies’. So l could at least appreciate being someone’s short term fetish.

Are the lovely men to be found online, I wonder. Hmmm, plenty of ‘em, but I hit the same hurdles.

• Caves exist in cyberspace too. It’s perfect for men who can’t make eye contact and converse only in monosyllables. These guys ‘like’ me. They ‘wink’ and they ‘wave’. They send enticing messages - like ‘hi’, or for the creatives: ‘hey beautiful, let’s catch up’.  Starting when, I think. Me being born up to today?

  But they never follow up.  Liking back makes the app go crazy - it’s a match!!! - firework emojis explode on the screen. Yet there it ends. The trail goes cold.

  

• Another explanation is that they are part of the ‘get this problem fixed quickly’ brigade. This is Dating Deliveroo.  They’ve ticked their boxes and will say yes to any profile that comes close.  Surprisingly good at multi-tasking, they are ruthless at lining up WhatsApp chats, coffees and cocktails, only to ghost us all the second they get a better offer. And the: ‘Oh he seems really nice’ guys are off the site before I’ve even started composing my oh so friendly and fascinating hello message

• For men who want casual sex but are too mean to pay for it online dating is the obvious solution. Meet Dickie: ‘Athletic, energetic and very youthful, looking for NSA fun (Dating for Dummies tells me: No Strings Attached)’. ‘Joystick’ 55, is more subtle. ‘Seeking an uncommitted relationship to break the monotony of my actual relationship’.  Which is all very well unless you’ve made it clear you want someone for caravanning holidays and theatre matinees

• Dating apps let you specify your desired age range. This makes explicit the entitlement algorithm above and I routinely see men looking for ‘girls’ decades younger.  Alan (61) and a relationship councillor makes it clear why this matters:

‘To all women over 30 - your career, education and influence are irrelevant to me. I want a woman who is youthful, attractive, even-tempered and respectful. No man in his right mind will pick a female who wants to be the CEO at home’.

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So maybe it’s not me, I conclude, it’s them. So what to do? Go small and go home, get myself to a nunnery, join a thruple? No way. I remind myself about Churchill’s famous quotes on online dating: ‘when you’re going through hell, keep going’ and, ‘you only need one’.

All that’s missing now is a strategy.  I will continue my research and report back in my next post